Dads/Stepdads/Grandads and Daughters
Every day females from all different walks of life, young and old, are trying to navigate their way through life, work, love etc. When speaking with my clients it is revealed just how important a good male role model is in their daughter’s life in particular the choice’s she makes in relationships.
Hi, my name is Mel Myrdycz founder of Relationship Resolutions, the Relationship Educators. This topic is so prevalent and yet on a daily basis I speak with females who have deep seeded issues regarding men.
There are numerous books on this subject, yet the affects continue. I’m definitely not saying that there are no great dad’s out there, everyone only knows what they know and therefore they parent with that knowledge, we all try and do the best we can. Unfortunately when I child is born, they don’t come with a manual, like a new purchased car that is easy to fix, they come with their own little personalities and each one different to the other.
I would love to live in a world where men really understand the effect their actions, personalities and emotions have on their daughters. Mum’s reading this article, speak with your husbands, share the information, knowledge is power.
I would like to share a common example of a situation:
A dad attended an appointment worried about his daughter and her choice of partners. As we spoke he became angry and agitated, he did not like the potential boyfriends she bought home to meet him and would manipulate situations to end such relationships. This dad was loving, caring and would not put up with just any idiot dating his daughter. His daughter after one of the meetings became suspicious and caught her dad manipulating the situation trying to result in another ending. She left with the young man and has not spoken with her dad since, he was devastated.
What this man did not realise was that his daughter was choosing men with his qualities, loving and caring but controlling and manipulative.
Once he finished his stories, he asked me the following questions because he deeply wanted to fix the situation:
“Why does she not understand everything I do is to protect her?”
“What can I do to get her back?”
My reply was simple, I started “I am not sure you are going to like what I am going to say, so please give me the opportunity to speak and then you can reply”
He nodded his head.
“Firstly I feel you need to understand from what you have told me and how your actions have been through this session, she is choosing men like you, with your loving qualities however you are also presenting controlling and manipulative qualities, she only knows what she knows and you are the man who has shown her what to expect from a partner.”
“She qualifies every potential partner with how you have treated her over the years, if you are not happy with her partners, you may want to learn how to love unconditionally without control and manipulation.”
“Secondly, trust her, you are a good man who has bought her up to know right from wrong, you have shown her what to expect and when she feels uncomfortable as I would envisage she has done in the past with you on occasions, she will make up her own mind”
“Thirdly, I suggest you apologise for your controlling, manipulative actions of recent times. Explain to her that you only know what you have been taught and that is how you grew up, however you are learning different ways and working on yourself. Welcome her and her partner into your family, this way you will open communication and with the tools I will teach you, show her she never has to be controlled or manipulated, without you being over powering”
He cried, he wasn’t happy with what I said and the conversation wasn’t as simple as stated above, however once he understood he cried and cried. Because he is a good man and everything he was presenting to his daughter was from love, he wanted to be better.
I provided him with further tools to work on his relationship with his daughter and he left.
A week later he returned to a follow up appointment and was so excited to tell me that my tools worked, he stated he had gone home and became angry with me, how dare I, however after sleeping on the advice provided, he decided to try my tools. He stated he didn’t think they would work, but they did and after texting and then talking on the phone for a few days, he invited his daughter and partner to dinner. The dinner went really well, his daughter hugged him and stated to him how proud she was that he could see for the first time it wasn’t just her actions. She apologised if she had ever hurt him and they have agreed to fortnightly dinners, he continues to work on himself.
Dad’s you are the prince from the day your daughter is born that they will watch and learn from, you are the person they will judge all future partners from. The way you provide for your family, the security she feels, your view on money, how you treat your mother, her mother and any females is so very important. She is always watching and learning from the day she is born.
When a female reaches puberty, they are trying to grow from Daddy’s little girl into an independent young woman. They may pull away from you and this is not easy I know, where has my little girl gone? She needs your boundaries through unconditional love and understanding (especially when you don’t understand), more than ever during this time. It’s time to pull your head in and be the Dad your daughter requires.
If you are blessed to be a Dad to a little girl, there is nothing wrong with as young as 4 years old, creating Daddy/Daughter Dates, pick her up from the front door, bring her a flower, teach her how to feel loved and valued by a man and watch her grow in confidence.
I know a Dad who told me he booked date time with his daughter once a week. As they didn’t have a lot of money and she had 2 brothers, he would attend at her bedroom door, knock and she would giggle and answer, he would hand her the food he has prepared and she would take his hand and bring him to her little tea table. He would pull out her little chair and drink whatever concoction she created and listen to her talk.
His daughter is now 17 years old and even though they don’t do this as much, she still likes the tea party table time with her dad, they have a joke and tell stories. He isn’t a soft dad, he has boundaries and she doesn’t get away with everything however their relationship was built on respect and even through puberty, he was the one she leant on. He knows one day he will have to let her go and in his heart he knows she will be fine.
So Dad’s remember, you are the man who can either build your daughters confidence, or lower it, create a bond or break it, protect with boundaries and stand by your word with love in your heart, or log out because it is all too hard. Separation and Divorce doesn’t mean you stop being her dad.
You are so blessed to have such an amazing role in life. Are you willing to step up?
If you are a Dad of a daughter and would like to learn different tools, or just have a question, please do not hesitate to contact me either through website www.relationshipresolutions.com.au or by phone 0426 218869.
Written by Mel Myrdycz
